Sexdating on-line

off topic someone's story

2020.07.20 12:57 fullasian off topic someone's story

Sex is dying, relationship in danger. How to stay constructive?

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M 40, F 32.... here comes a long story (a bit of venting too I guess), with a simple question at the end.
Not so long ago none of this was even remotely thinkable.... But in a seven+ year relationship (distance, so mostly weekends and long weekends with weeks here and there), of which the past year and a half living together.
We met up for a sexdate once when my heart was broken. We had already met once at a party before and she remembered me from making out with her girlfriend back then (even though I had one, kinda lame but done deeds).
I wasn't that attracted to her, but we clicked like crazy and had great sex with her knowing some cool tricks topping it off. I didn't know how or what and was unsure if I could ever really give myself to her - but there was something about her that you don't usually come across. I've often heard from gf's that's how they view me btw. Also, I note that it was the sex that got us together in the first place. She got interested in me when I said I fail to see the value of lesbian porn.
This is gonna be a long story :D LMAO.
Any way, as time passed I realized I had the goose with the golden eggs. She lived a simple life in a small town where people get by on sex, drugs and the likes. All the stuff I like, I won't lie. She worked at a supermarket and knew little of the world - but had a much clearer view of the small things than I will ever have. I fell in love with her and she already was in love with me. We were crazy about each other. And every time we had one of our weekends it was like we had built our own temple to honor our religion of superficial but very real love, with ourselves as the deities. It was too good to be true - but true it was.
We were very happy and agreed that it worked perfectly for us. She had lost a lot of weight and enjoyed the new her. The new her happened to be my exact type in many ways. It was almost shameful - that's how innocently over the top yet truly blissful it was. It was with her that I have experienced what it means to be truly happy and in line with the cosmos, if only for moments.
So we may not have had the Chinese wall up, but we probably could have delivered the cement for it.
Anyway - at some point she wanted to move forward and I guess that makes sense. Only problem is me. I'm not like most people. There is no true forward with me. I exist in a time and place and that's it. There is no plan, no great belief. There never has been, and there probably never will be. I do stuff. I am politically active and organize and create stuff for that. I used to do a lot of sports but have run into some physical trouble that still needs sorting. That has hurt my self image a lot btw. Also I have no more friends left after years of depression and have a hard time really connecting with people nowadays. That has also hurt my self image.
When we started living together she brought a tax debt with her. And she had no job. She was supposed to look for one but was feeling bad, depressed. So took her a while. We got into fights because of the stress that brought along. After a while she found a job as a postal worker that she is very happy with. But she works crazy hours and needs the rest of the time to recuperate - which I can't blame her for, she works her ass off and I'm proud of her and happy for her.
But as we moved on problems appeared.
Full disclosure: I have a diagnosis of personality disorder (this just keeps getting better huh?) - high scoring on borderline traits, but not enough for a full diagnosis, and low on anti-social p.d. traits. It has taken me a while to understand some of the things the report said. Some of it made me angry back then (almost 7 yrs ago), like the statement that I could not feel true, unconditional love. But I am starting to understand, even though it scares me. On the other hand I'm unsure if unconditional love makes actual sense. I don't believe all this defines me, but I guess that needs to be told before we move on.
At some point it was clear she was unhappy. I basically have no friends left like I said so socially we were in a difficult spot, with her moving away from her social setting to move in with me. I feel a bit guilty about this, dragging her into nothing. On the other hand she also has very difficult time hanging out with acquaintances of mine, sometimes a bit too much for my taste.
Also, my father got diagnosed with cancer in 2018 (he has passed away 28 januari of this year) and that didn't really help either.
At some point, while doing our thing one night, we were talking and she spoke about her unhappiness and said she had thought about breaking up. I guess that was the first watershed moment. The way she casually said that was unexpected to say the least. I was still in the "rough water, but still us" state of mind.
From there I kept getting the idea she was withdrawing. She became cold and sometimes ever so slightly disrespectful. I started losing trust and last year when we went to a festival, usually our time to shine and love, something broke in a way.
Where we trusted each other 100% (it was so natural) once, I was now losing that trust. I started thinking she lost interest and that day she really kept me hanging on in a way that shocked me, emotionally.
We have since talked that through and she agreed and understands. But all of this has had an effect on me. I don't feel as comfortable around here like I did anymore. I've become insecure and a bit untrusting. I often feel rejected now.
Through some conflict and talk we kind of found each other again, but the sex has become a problem.
These things happen.
The problem I have is that she seems hellbent on turning our former good sex life into one of uncomfortable, held back, rather dry and boring sex.
She claims it is because she wants to normalize a bit (we used to pull a lot of all nighters)- which is okay, but what actually happens is nothing. No initiative, and she seems to have become scared of sex and my expectations (which used to be our expectations).
I understand you can't pressure someone and I wouldn't want to do that. But as things are, talking about it has become very uncomfortable.
She says she wants to slowly work back, but her attitude towards sex has become a very big problem to me. I would never choose someone with an attitude like that, and am afraid I am getting stuck with a dead sex life with the woman who had it all.
It's just dying in front of my eyes and I simply don't trust it, emotionally. I feel like I'm being suckered into the one thing I can't put up with, even though she says that's not the case and to an extent I believe her. But the day and night difference has been getting to me.
I am seriously becoming uncomfortable with where this is going and am shocked to be here now with her.
I will honestly say I have no interest in a relationship with someone who is not sexually compatible with me. And somehow that is what we seem to be becoming.
I feel guilty, but also betrayed (which is not truly warranted, I know). We talked about these things so much when all was well. I was very honest about who I am and what I expect/need and that it had always hurt me that I felt ashamed in earlier relationships for wanting what I want. Not with her.
But here we are again.
TL;DR and question.
Used to have great sex, great click, very comfy. Since living together times have been difficult, then got a bit less cold. Now it seems she's become averse to everything that's more than a quicky and even those are highly uncommon. I'm afraid our sex life is going to change into something that I simply can't get by with and it's driving me crazy.
How can I somehow midwife this thing until it gets better - or not, which is a possibility. How can I be constructive about this when emotionally it's draining me and triggering feelings of loneliness, despair and what not. How can I keep the issue somewhat at the front without pressuring her? How do I keep this from triggering resent on my side?
Just looking for tips and perspectives that can help me give this the honest and constructive chance it deserves.
I understand it will take effort from my side, and it must be fair. Help me out.
submitted by fullasian to PatheticStories [link] [comments]


2020.05.19 10:56 DWGer Sex is dying, relationship in danger. How to stay constructive?

M 40, F 32.... here comes a long story (a bit of venting too I guess), with a simple question at the end.
Not so long ago none of this was even remotely thinkable.... But in a seven+ year relationship (distance, so mostly weekends and long weekends with weeks here and there), of which the past year and a half living together.
We met up for a sexdate once when my heart was broken. We had already met once at a party before and she remembered me from making out with her girlfriend back then (even though I had one, kinda lame but done deeds).
I wasn't that attracted to her, but we clicked like crazy and had great sex with her knowing some cool tricks topping it off. I didn't know how or what and was unsure if I could ever really give myself to her - but there was something about her that you don't usually come across. I've often heard from gf's that's how they view me btw. Also, I note that it was the sex that got us together in the first place. She got interested in me when I said I fail to see the value of lesbian porn.
This is gonna be a long story :D LMAO.
Any way, as time passed I realized I had the goose with the golden eggs. She lived a simple life in a small town where people get by on sex, drugs and the likes. All the stuff I like, I won't lie. She worked at a supermarket and knew little of the world - but had a much clearer view of the small things than I will ever have. I fell in love with her and she already was in love with me. We were crazy about each other. And every time we had one of our weekends it was like we had built our own temple to honor our religion of superficial but very real love, with ourselves as the deities. It was too good to be true - but true it was.
We were very happy and agreed that it worked perfectly for us. She had lost a lot of weight and enjoyed the new her. The new her happened to be my exact type in many ways. It was almost shameful - that's how innocently over the top yet truly blissful it was. It was with her that I have experienced what it means to be truly happy and in line with the cosmos, if only for moments.
So we may not have had the Chinese wall up, but we probably could have delivered the cement for it.
Anyway - at some point she wanted to move forward and I guess that makes sense. Only problem is me. I'm not like most people. There is no true forward with me. I exist in a time and place and that's it. There is no plan, no great belief. There never has been, and there probably never will be. I do stuff. I am politically active and organize and create stuff for that. I used to do a lot of sports but have run into some physical trouble that still needs sorting. That has hurt my self image a lot btw. Also I have no more friends left after years of depression and have a hard time really connecting with people nowadays. That has also hurt my self image.
When we started living together she brought a tax debt with her. And she had no job. She was supposed to look for one but was feeling bad, depressed. So took her a while. We got into fights because of the stress that brought along. After a while she found a job as a postal worker that she is very happy with. But she works crazy hours and needs the rest of the time to recuperate - which I can't blame her for, she works her ass off and I'm proud of her and happy for her.
But as we moved on problems appeared.
Full disclosure: I have a diagnosis of personality disorder (this just keeps getting better huh?) - high scoring on borderline traits, but not enough for a full diagnosis, and low on anti-social p.d. traits. It has taken me a while to understand some of the things the report said. Some of it made me angry back then (almost 7 yrs ago), like the statement that I could not feel true, unconditional love. But I am starting to understand, even though it scares me. On the other hand I'm unsure if unconditional love makes actual sense. I don't believe all this defines me, but I guess that needs to be told before we move on.
At some point it was clear she was unhappy. I basically have no friends left like I said so socially we were in a difficult spot, with her moving away from her social setting to move in with me. I feel a bit guilty about this, dragging her into nothing. On the other hand she also has very difficult time hanging out with acquaintances of mine, sometimes a bit too much for my taste.
Also, my father got diagnosed with cancer in 2018 (he has passed away 28 januari of this year) and that didn't really help either.
At some point, while doing our thing one night, we were talking and she spoke about her unhappiness and said she had thought about breaking up. I guess that was the first watershed moment. The way she casually said that was unexpected to say the least. I was still in the "rough water, but still us" state of mind.
From there I kept getting the idea she was withdrawing. She became cold and sometimes ever so slightly disrespectful. I started losing trust and last year when we went to a festival, usually our time to shine and love, something broke in a way.
Where we trusted each other 100% (it was so natural) once, I was now losing that trust. I started thinking she lost interest and that day she really kept me hanging on in a way that shocked me, emotionally.
We have since talked that through and she agreed and understands. But all of this has had an effect on me. I don't feel as comfortable around here like I did anymore. I've become insecure and a bit untrusting. I often feel rejected now.
Through some conflict and talk we kind of found each other again, but the sex has become a problem.
These things happen.
The problem I have is that she seems hellbent on turning our former good sex life into one of uncomfortable, held back, rather dry and boring sex.
She claims it is because she wants to normalize a bit (we used to pull a lot of all nighters)- which is okay, but what actually happens is nothing. No initiative, and she seems to have become scared of sex and my expectations (which used to be our expectations).
I understand you can't pressure someone and I wouldn't want to do that. But as things are, talking about it has become very uncomfortable.
She says she wants to slowly work back, but her attitude towards sex has become a very big problem to me. I would never choose someone with an attitude like that, and am afraid I am getting stuck with a dead sex life with the woman who had it all.
It's just dying in front of my eyes and I simply don't trust it, emotionally. I feel like I'm being suckered into the one thing I can't put up with, even though she says that's not the case and to an extent I believe her. But the day and night difference has been getting to me.
I am seriously becoming uncomfortable with where this is going and am shocked to be here now with her.
I will honestly say I have no interest in a relationship with someone who is not sexually compatible with me. And somehow that is what we seem to be becoming.
I feel guilty, but also betrayed (which is not truly warranted, I know). We talked about these things so much when all was well. I was very honest about who I am and what I expect/need and that it had always hurt me that I felt ashamed in earlier relationships for wanting what I want. Not with her.
But here we are again.
TL;DR and question.
Used to have great sex, great click, very comfy. Since living together times have been difficult, then got a bit less cold. Now it seems she's become averse to everything that's more than a quicky and even those are highly uncommon. I'm afraid our sex life is going to change into something that I simply can't get by with and it's driving me crazy.
How can I somehow midwife this thing until it gets better - or not, which is a possibility. How can I be constructive about this when emotionally it's draining me and triggering feelings of loneliness, despair and what not. How can I keep the issue somewhat at the front without pressuring her? How do I keep this from triggering resent on my side?
Just looking for tips and perspectives that can help me give this the honest and constructive chance it deserves.
I understand it will take effort from my side, and it must be fair. Help me out.
submitted by DWGer to relationships [link] [comments]


2017.03.29 20:43 badbadbad6969 Messy breakup: Sex with ex, ex gotten new gf

Hi,
My husband (39) and I (39) separated some three months ago after a relationship of 20 years. We have three beatuiful children together.
We spent almost two years deciding on the separation, trying couple's therapy, romantic getaways, etc. But the feelings simply did not seem to be there, our arguments was endless, and I felt anger and resentment with him on so many levels. Having sex with him sometimes made me feel like a prostitute. I could have written a novel on our relationship and the process of the separation, but will not go into further details.
When we finally separated, it was on friendly terms, and I generally felt a great relief. Guilt towards the children and a little ashamed towards family and friends, but all in all, not heartbroken or depressed.
But then he took the initiative to meet on a "date" (an arrangement we had planned and paid for ages ago, and I thought, since we were "friends", why not?) Long story short, we ended up in bed, and the sex was totally amazing. So we continued our sexdates, and after a while, he sent me a long email declaring how he still hoped we could get back together, that he still loved me, etc. I was still hesitant, both because of the children (the horror of putting them through a second break up!) and because it had taken me for ages to end a relationship I felt was wrong on so many levels. But he kept going on and on about how the separation had made him realize this and that, that he would not make the same mistakes, and bla bla bla.
Fast forward a month and a half, and I find out that he has been dating another woman recently and also had sex with her. We have not actually agreed that our present "relationship" should be exclusive, but I feel totally betrayed none the less. And SOOO heartbroken! The pain is unbelievable, and tons worse than when he moved out.
He had sex with this woman four days after our last "sexdate", and he didn't say a word about changing his mind about us or his feelings towards me. I called him, explaining my feelings and how I felt betrayed. He replied by saying things like "I started doubting whether you would ever come around" (It's been three months althogether since the separation, month and a half of seeing each other!!), "It's soooo new with this woman, it didn't at all feel right to tell you". Bottom line, he seems to kind of hope things will work out with this woman, but if not, might come back to me. (He did not put it that way, but I read between the lines)
And as I said, I found out by chance, so who knows if he would have continued meeting me for sex if I hadn't. (He claims no, of course)
And to make things worse, I kept torturing myself by aksing questions like what's her name, occupation, age... I even asked how the sex was. (And unfortunately, we have always been very open with each other, so I got an answer to each and every one of those questions)
I know my feelings are childish (so NOW you want him, when you can't have him), but I feel desperate nonetheless. I feel like either a) getting deadbeat drunk or b) go out and find a man - any man, pretty much - and have sex with him. Again, I know that last one is ridiculously childish.
So, my question..., shit, I can't even fourmulate a single question. Was this betrayal on his side? Do I rightly feel cheated?
And not the least, what the hell should I do? The sensible thing is probably now if ever to end any romantic encounters with him, but right now, I want him more than ever...
TL;DR: Separation, slow path towards relationsip recovery, then all of a sudden hubby dates and sleeps with someone else.
submitted by badbadbad6969 to relationships [link] [comments]